The Anti Pimp

Gates of Hell by Auguste Rodin

Ugh…I have more disdain for meetings than probably any other work related activity – not to mention I have the attention span of a gnat.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a team player and have played the “smile and nod” game for a long time.  It just seems to me that at this part of the year, everyone spends more time in meetings that actually working.  When I hear “ok..on the agenda today” I have immediate desire to find the closest window and hurl myself onto the pavement below.

Why can’t we have a set of honest rules for meetings?

1. If the meeting setter/head dude/head chic/manager has any sort of list of topics or agenda – it must be on scratch-n-sniff paper.
2. If you talk more than 30 seconds you get slapped.
3. Everyone has the right to say “You are boring.”
4. Everyone has the right to say “Please shut up and move on to the next topic.”
5. If what’s being discussed has no impact on your job, it’s ok to leave.
6. It’s acceptable to say “I was late on purpose to miss the part of the meeting that I hate the most….yours specifically.”
7. Each person attending the meeting must bring a piece of fruit (kumquats specifically) to throw a the person that ruined it for everyone. Mob Rule

   

8. It’s permissible  to take a short nap but if you get caught you have to wear your underwear on the outside of your pants for the rest of the day.
9. You can bring your pets.
10. If you use a cell phone to call in but don’t put your phone on mute and everyone has to listen to you order your -fat-free, sugar-free, no whip, no foam, double caff, extra hot, double bagged green tea/earl grey – you are automatically placed in an Iron Maiden for the rest of the week.

Seriously – here are a real set of rules that I believe in.

1. Get rid of the traditional agenda – that’s old.  Spit it out and get out.
2. If it’s longer than 15 minutes, it’s a waste of time.  The average time spent viewing one web page is about 30 seconds.  Why?  Because we either get what we need from that page or it’s boring and we leave.  Apply this to yourself when you decide to “participate”
3. If it only involves you and a couple of other people in the room, have a separate meeting.
4. Save the “chest beating” for later.  If it only impacts you, most other people don’t care and it looks like you are bragging.
5. It’s ok to say, ” I have nothing to say”.  Most people feel compelled to contribute b/c that’s what we’ve been taught.
6. Have a good time.
7. If your company prides itself on being non-traditional, provide non-traditional content.
8. Chart your successes – if the new meeting style works, it’ll show, so keep it up.
9. No sitting.  Studies show you think faster on your feet.
10. Don’t have a meeting just because you are supposed to have a meeting on Thursday at 3pm every week.

And just because I mentioned Iron Maiden above: