The Anti Pimp

Bill Boorman and I were chatting last week about our mutual disgust regarding our Blackberries.  Below is a hilarious email that he’s composed to RIM. 

Please re-post and re-distribute as often as possible.  Perhaps someone at the company might listen or at least provide us with a Blackberry that is a functional piece of equipment vs. a $300 lump of low grade plastic.

Dear Mr. Rim, (yes the company that make Blackberry are called Research in Motion)

I wanted to call you with my list of compliments about my blackberry storm. Unfortunately I was unable to as the battery had died. I should have thought of that before I foolishly made a 3 minute call this morning that sucked up the power. Unfortunately I have a bad back at the moment, from the wind turbine and mast I have to strap to my back when traveling. This ensures that i have enough power to light Las Vegas (which equates to enough power to charge up my blackberry the number of times I need to.) the mast is necessary due to your tremendous coverage, I can reach someone cordless at least 3 meters away.

My wireless laptop and printer has a greater reach in the house.  I must also thank you for the hours of entertainment you have provided me with playing guess the conversation.  All I have to do is fill in the blanks from the many times my callers drop in and out of the call whilst users of other less sexy, but more functional phones located around me are chatting away freely. Still, looks are far more important than functionality and it does look sexy!  I particular like the way you place the mute button in the middle of the screen.  This heightens the user experience by ensuring that those calling me go in to mute so they can’t hear me on a regular basis.  Oh how we laugh at such japes.  It was a stroke of design genius to place it there for regular cheek brushing and cutting off. I love the camera. I can take at least one picture per battery life, provided I don’t use the flash. The video is also great for those comedy 3 second clips. Recorded for ever till it breaks next time.

When the designers in the kindergarten were toying with the screen, was it a deliberate plan to ensure that the screen sticks regularly, or were they sponsored by Apple (wish I had an i-phone) to deliberately design the screen to lock in this way, jamming up the functions and making it impossible to do anything but watch the videos i haven’t made.

I haven’t had this much fun from technology since buying a beta – release, forced out by Bill of windows 2000 6 months early. I must also compliment you on the service I received when my phone broke.  You managed to take 5 weeks to fix a new screen that cost me £230 when the last screen just went blank.  The reception was much improved during this period, along with call clarity and battery life when I Iut the sim card in the £10 pay as you go phone my daughter owns. 5 weeks to replace a screen that was promised in a week, you must love my phone nearly as much as I do and couldn’t bare to be parted from it.

Apart from the rollerball that had the same mind as a shopping trolley, I used to love my old blackberry pearl. Fortunately you chose to upgrade it, because I was in danger of becoming a satisfied customer and would have had nothing to complain about. I have recently started tweeting my love of blackberry, although not from twitterberry as I gave up after trying to install it 5 times.

I have discovered that others across the world share my love of being regularly unreachable. By ensuring your product rarely works, you have literally given us back our lives free from any distraction of being reached for work or customer orders. Soon I will be able to achieve that elusive work life balance, by being unreachable and unemployed. Lots of time to spend with the kids in the unemployment office.

Thanks again for such a wonderful product. Without you, I’d have no need to talk to people near me on my travels as I’d be too busy talking to those i really need to reach. You have enriched my life by your product design, and soon I’ll have a lot more time on my phone free hands.

Bill Boorman